Bears, a post from the old blog
Sometimes one word is enough to cover a subject. This is not one of those times. Bears are amazing and far more versatile than I realized as a subject matter. The first thing I learned about bears is how funny it is to try and fit the word bear into a movie’s title or character’s name. For example:
Bear Wars (Obear-wan Kenobi, Bear2Dee2)
Forrest Bear (If that’s not amazing juxtuposition I don’t know what is)
The Thin Bear Line
Bear at the Gates (I’ve heard that before)
How to Lose a Bear in 10 Days (entirely too long)
Passion of the Bear (…pic-a-nic baskets, if I may?)
Zach and Miri make a Bear (my personal fav)
The second awesome thing about bears is that Steven Colbert fears them more than any other creature on earth. Enough that in almost every Threat Down there are bears.
But not only that, bears as a species are incredible and diverse. The ones I know of are:
Black Bears,
Brown Bears,
Grizzly Bears,
Kodiak Bears,
and Polar Bears
Each of these bears have determining traints, aside from their different names, shapes, and sizes. Black bears are cute and playful. The love to climb shit, and, as humans, we find this endlessly amusing. Also, when spooked or just late for an appointment, black bears have been known to gallop. They apparently didn’t get the memo that this is a style of mobility reserved for other animals, but we’ll let it slide
Brown bears are bigger, and a little more ambivilant to the rest of humanity. They basically do whatever they want when not starring in demoralizing and abhorent sex videos.(might be a black bear, but I couldn’t give two shits)
Grizzly bears are suitable for scaring people who are camping, for placing a winged armchair upon near a hearth, and for, should one be so inclined, proving masculinity through greco-roman wrestling.
Kodiak bears are a quite big variety of Grizzly, but lazier than thier size. The kodiaks were the group that let that insane man live with them for several years. Yeah, I know, in the end they killed him and ate him, but we, as a people shouldn’t diminish his accomplishment. He may have died but he certainly lived with bears far longer than anyone else you know has. And, he did so while completely fucking insane. Now that is something to be proud of.
Lastly, Polar bears. Polar bears are fucking amazing. They are the killing machines of the bear world. Apparently a polar bear can smell a delicious seal from over a mile away through 2 feet of solid ice. I once saw, in BBC footage, a polar bear kill a whale. What…the…FUCK. A polar bear killing a whale is almost beyond imagination, and it was totally awesome. If polar bears could be comfortable in less frigid climates they would have certainly exhausted the world’s game population of, well, everything. Another thing interesting about polar bears is that they actually, from what I hear, have black skin. The word is, they have black skin with very thick, reflective white-ish hair. This is a very useful piece of knowledge, because, now, should you ever choose to piss off a Polar bear, which I do not reccommend fyi, all you would need is something as simple as an electric razor and that Polar bear would wake up looking like a zeebra. “Shit!” he’d say “I should now have passed out like that! I definitely should have taken my shoes off. Now let’s see if that asshole is within a mile of here…”
